Article in The Herald Sun 9th May 2019
Lets hear from an authority on the subject
NEWS FLASH
In the writ Bubbles makes a number of explosive allegations about lewd sex acts at the Jackson mansion, Neverland. He claims sexual rituals and games like, “Spank the Monkey”, “Blowing Bubbles” and “Swinging” were daily activities inside the Jackson compound.
Bubbles also implicated Debbie Rowe, the Mother of Jackson’s two children as a regular participant in group activities. The Chimp said he was intimate with Rowe on many occasions and, get this, alleges they have a child together. And that child was none other than Canadian Crooner, Michael Bublè.
The twisted perversion continues. Bubbles has filed a paternity suit seeking sole custody. Bubbles hopes to show his son the Family Tree and his position in it. Lawyers will argue despite being a Monkey, Bubbles shouldn’t be denied access to his offspring.
Frenzied gossip columnists and media organisations were falling over themselves trying to confirm these astonishing revelations. Mr Bublè couldn’t be reached. No surprise there. He was probably still in shock trying to wrap his noodle around his new found status as part ape and part man.
Jackson had been dead for years. So the Media thought God might answer their questions but he was in a meeting and unavailable for comment. However, they did manage to get a hold of God’s spokesperson, Mr George Burns.
Mr Burns confirmed that Michael Jackson had indeed arrived at the gates of heaven but was promptly turned away. Burns went on to say and I quote:
“Michael was heard singing I’m Bad, I’m Bad as he ascended the Stairway to Heaven. When he Knock Knocked on Heavens Door, God told him to tell HisStory walking. MoonWalking or by any other means. …. God didn’t care.
His message to the gifted freak was clear and final.
Don’t Blame your shameful tale of woe on the Boogie-man, Billie Jean or Narcotics.
Take a long hard look at the Man in the Mirror.
Now Beat it. Just Beat It.
And with that, the Pearly Gates of Heaven slammed shut.” said Burns
Michael did look. He grabbed a mirror Off the Wall and saw a person neither Black nor White. As he made his way down to Hell was heard singing, My Bad, My Bad…
aP
Deer Today. Venison Tomorrow
Am I Happy today? You Bet
As for tomorrow, No Idea
The Happiness Curve. We all have our Ups and Downs
It’s only Natural
Peaks and Valleys
That’s Life
aP
In the Christian calendar, Good Friday marks the beginning of Easter as we remember the day Jesus, the Son of God was Murdered
First Tortured and then Crucified
Hardly a Good day in my book
At least he could hang out with Dad again
But it was to be a short lived re-union
The Old Man sent him back
To finish what he’d started
Jesus put his emotional needs to one side
This wasn’t about him
It was about us and all of our Sins
So 3 days later he was back
Jesus, the Son of God had pulled a rabbit out of the hat
Back from the dead. That was Impressive
But in celebrating and remembering his miraculous Resurrection
We get the Chocolates..
Chocolate Rabbits
And on his Birthday? No Cigar there either
We get all the presents
So any speculation of the Messiah returning some day ends here
He won’t be making another comeback
Why would he after his last trip?
Plus he’s got other Worlds to Save
We had our chance
No matter what you believe
For the pious..thank God for the Holyday
For everyone else..thank Goodness for the Holiday
Either way, it’s a day off work
It’s All Good
aP
and then i get creative suggesting that Ground control back on Earth (NesCafe) had forgotten to send the coffee beans up with the Expresso machine.
Here’s the conversation between the Space Station (NASAcafe) and Ground Control (NesCafe)
NASAcafe: Where are the Coffee Beans?NesCafe: Here at Ground Control
Get Beans here ASAP
NesCafe: How?
NASAcafe: Waddaya mean how..How Long before you get em up here?
NesCafe: How Long is in Vietnam
NASAcafe: Don’t get cute with me Ground control. Just Bean them up
NesCafe: Like a giant Coffee Beanstalk?
NASAcafe: No not a Beanstalk…For fucks sake you little stick fiddler, get my beans teleported up here. We need our caffeine
NesCafe: Just to clarify, did you mean Beam instead of Bean?
NASAcafe: YES I MEAN BEAM NOT BEAN.. Now just Beam them up. This instant
NesCafe: On its way
NASAcafe: Received 1 bottle of Jim Beam. Thanks. Fuck the Expresso
A spokesman from IS issued a statement confirming the new strategic direction. “Our business is growing and so is our Headcount. Overhead costs need to shaved and further cost cutting measures are inevitable. To this end, we’ve engaged a Headhunting firm to recruit Al ‘Chainsaw’ Dunlap to Execute our strategy”
The IS model is simple:
The more hair you lose, the more head you’ll get.
Because at Islamic State, your head is in our hands
aP
*Correct spelling is ‘Toupee’ but some might pronounce it as Too Pee which wouldn’t work for the purpose of comedy
She listens, speaks only when spoken to, follows instructions, is logical, intelligent, obedient and can Cook.
She exists only to serve her man. And its not me
Turns out that man is Tim Cook
Turns out she keeps no secrets at all
aP
1. Spellcheck = Ignored
2. Editor = Retrenched
3. Journalist = Cadet
At least I learnt something from the article. ‘Heath’ is a tract of wasteland, a shrubland habitat with infertile, acidic soils
Guess where I learnt that
aP
Commentary on Australia’s PM, Julia Gillard and her Machiavellian play to take the top job from a beleaguered Kevin Rudd. She delivered the news with a much publicised late night visit to his office in 2010….That was then and
This is now, June 2013. Speculation is mounting of a Kevin Rudd comeback having spent the last 3 years plotting his next course. Who knows, he may just have the last laugh.
aP
I’ve just written to Make a Wish Foundation asking they help our Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, carry herself in a more dignified, statesman like way
Specifically, I wished for :
1/ No More Tears
2/ No More Trips and Falls
They sent me a Bottle of Shampoo and a note saying I was allowed only one wish. Otherwise they would’ve called themselves Make a Wishes Foundation
So I wrote back
Told them No More Tears was a 2 in 1 Shampoo Conditioner
They conceded on a technicality and granted my second wish
They sent me a *Slater and Gordon Personal Injury Claim Form
aP
*Julia Gillard has a law background and at one time worked for the high profile no win no fee legal firm, Slater and Gordon
aP
You’ll own anyone with that little nugget
aP
A charitable message from the Director of Profiteering, Innovation, Donation Wealth Creation and Ethics at PlanetFarkthat, a commercial charity intent on saving..
Time is running out. Donate now before its too late.
To those who have already donated, thank you and please consider the following:
If you double your pledged amount, your goodwill gesture will be acknowledged on the “Planetfarkthat” social media channel.
If you triple it, the Director will donate 50% to aid the Nepalese earthquake victims.
If you quadruple it, he will donate 50% to feed the homeless.
If you quintuple your donation, he will donate 50% to help sick children live and help sick adults die.
If you sextuple your donation, he will buy a poppy farm to commemorate our dead soldiers. Then he will harvest the opium to kill pain in people and kill people in pain. The Director says the global demand for this alkaloid and its derivative generate massive profits and with these profits he can then fund all the other charities and bleeding hearts asking for money.
He can save.. with your money.
Farkthat. Give time. Andrew Chan and Myuran Sukumaran did.
Poppy you are a duplicitous flower
Will we see bunches of you at their funerals?
Didn’t think so
aP
aP
Bee Hive
aP
News of Eddie McGuire’s on air brain fade for suggesting that an indigenous AFL superstar be used to promote the King Kong movie has bewildered everyone on Planet Earth. And not just Earth. His mega gaff has gone inter galactic and created quite a stir on the Planet of the Apes.
Comparisons to humans have outraged many in the Ape kingdom. The Apes have gone…. well, they’ve gone completely ape shit at suggestions linking them to the human sub specie.
The Primates rallied to debunk the lineage myths of Intelligent Design and Evolutionary Theory. They concluded the Earthlings had a self destructive regressive mindset. Not the hallmarks of Intelligent beings.
The War of the Words will continue to divide. But Deeds shall unite.
aP
I’ve just written to Make a Wish Foundation asking they help our Prime Minister, Julia Gillard, carry herself in a more dignified, statesman like way.
Specifically, I wished for :
1/ No More Tears
2/ No More Trips and Falls
They sent me a Bottle of Shampoo and a note that said I was only allowed one wish. Otherwise they would’ve called themselves Make a Wishes Foundation.
So I wrote back
Told them No More Tears was a 2 in 1 Shampoo Conditioner
They conceded on a technicality and granted my second wish
They sent me a *Slater and Gordon Personal Injury Claim Form
aP
*Julia Gillard has a law background and at one time worked for the high profile no win no fee legal firm, Slater and Gordon
X marks the spot. Senator Nick Xenophon is the second Australian diplomat in less than a week to earn the title…Prisoner X
Australian Senator, Nick Xenophon was detained at Malaysia’s Kuala Lumpur airport earlier today. Malaysian Immigration Officials said that a database technical glitch was responsible for putting the Senator on their “Watch list”
The database was interrogated at length. Many lines of queries run and every time, the same answer. Next to the checkbox labelled Political Persuasion was “Xenophobic”
Further investigations by Malay authorities revealed the Diplomatic incident occurred because a data entry clerk had incorrectly entered the Senator’s name as”Xenophobic”
The data entry clerk has been fired. By a squad of 12.
aP
Can’t…take it anymore?
Cunt….feel like something’s missing?
Count…you “o” it to yourself
Country…Australia’s first bank
Can…Switch back to the future
Can….no missing letters
Can….make it count
Can….Switch back
This is a tribute to Jason Akermanis, the champion Western Bulldogs AFL footballer sacked in 2010 because his team mates felt they couldn’t “trust him.” Weeks earlier he got the public offside by stating he didn’t think AFL culture was ready to embrace homosexual players into it’s ranks. And in 2006, he was sacked by the Brisbane Lions after a fall out with coach Leigh Matthews.
Aker was no Saint but the Western Bulldogs treated him like a Demon. Hence the Charles Manson reference.
In any event, Aker’s book “Open Season” should make for an interesting read.
The two shock jocks are set to form an alliance. It’s only a matter of time. When Alan ascends, he can sit next to Stan and together they can continue to broadcast their pompous self righteous opinions across heaven’s airwaves. Heaven help us.
I decided to burn his inspiring book, “It’s not about the bike”…problem was, a week later the book was still burning thanks to elevated levels of oxygen inside the furnace. Yep, Lance, you certainly nailed the title. It clearly wasn’t about the bike.
However, the following YouTube clip IS about the bike and it’s incredible.
I’ve made an addition to a Facebook Meme
Do your homework or get detention
aP
Paralympian swimmer Bob Nolapse from Equatorial Guinea has made a stand and won’t be swimming in the 100m freestyle final despite qualifying in the Heats. He said the water was too cold now and furthermore, that he was from Equatorial Guinea not Aquatorial Guinea. Bob suggested the International Paralympic Committee (IPC) schedule Synchronised swimming to raise the temperature in the pool.
The IPC replied, “Synchronised Paralympics Swimming. I’d like to see that”
aP
The problem with the Irish economy is the rest of the world think they’re a joke
aP
“The best thing about religion is the architecture”
‘Where you sit determines what you see’
Where you kneel determines what you feel
aP
The banks can’t save themselves yet they want a crack at saving our oceans. Another bail out on the horizon.
aP
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